Fast forward to three days later - because, let's face it... I'm never going to get one of these written in one day. I'm a mom with a full-time job, which really isn't that original of a concept. My mom did it. Hell, half of your moms probably did too. So, I'm not going to write a bunch of stuff about how misunderstood the life of a working mom is, or try to be some poster-child for "the struggle". That would, frankly, be an insult to all of the other moms with jobs present, past and future. Is it hard? Hell yes. Do lots of women do it? Obviously, since this isn't 1946. If you'd like to meet some of them, just stop by my work cafeteria around noon on Wednesdays for "mommy lunch". If you need to learn how to get your toddler to poop - we've got that covered. If you need to know how to handle the kid at daycare who bites - we've got that covered too. From play dates to potty training, we are basically killing it. If you have a 14-year-old who's posting inappropriate content on his Instagram account - yeah, sorry, we don't know anything about that. Definitely let us know how that turns out, though... So, no, I'm not going to pretend that I am some kind of rare, unicorn-like creature. I'm just your average, 30-something woman stumbling through career, marriage and motherhood, trying desperately not to screw any of it up too royally.
Oh right - something I should mention. It's sort of central to the title of this thing. I have adopted a firm "one and done" policy. Now, I know what you're thinking. Don't worry...I'm OK. I won't say "it's fine" because everyone knows that when I say "it's fine" it's almost never actually fine. I just happen to hold a firm and deep belief that I am not an MKP - that's my made up acronym for multiple-kid-person. My son Dallas is two and a half, and he is the most beautiful, hilarious, amazing little dude that I ever could have imagined bringing into this world. All of that said, there are days - think "terrible twos" - when the shit.gets.real. Oh OK, you're screaming your face off because I won't let you physically grab that pile of dog poop? Wait...what's that? You're having a full-out meltdown because you pulled off the green sticker instead of the blue one? YOU pulled off the sticker! (Please see the blog called "Reasons My Kid Is Crying" - it's pure genius.) But I digress... I like to say that Dallas and I fight hard and we love hard. And whatever - my plan for now is to get him to four and until then just close my eyes. But even if we roll it all back to the infant days, I just never want to be back at that place where he was so tiny and I never slept and he never slept and he wouldn't burp and I had the crazy monitor that was supposed to beep if he didn't breathe for 20 seconds, but it beeped incessantly even when nothing was wrong because it was totally possessed... Yeah, I don't want to do that again. We have seen our way through to the days of actual conversations and verbal negotiation, and I, truly, could not be happier about it. The way I see it, there are plenty of people that are super psyched to become MKPs. More power to them, I say. It's just not my jam.
So, what exactly can you expect from this? Yes, let's do this! Let's review what this will and won't be so that you can decide if you'd like to stay tuned. This WILL BE random interpretations of career, marriage and motherhood from my singular, perhaps slightly jaded, perspective. I'll do my best to bring you some humor, and try not to piss anyone off by being preachy or self-righteous. This WON'T BE any sort of one-stop-shop for toddler arts and crafts, home-schooling techniques, weeknight crock-pot meal recipes or house cleaning tips. Again, Pinterest. Not going to remind you again.
So that's it - my first entry. I hope you enjoyed it. Stay tuned for more "one and done" conversation, 'cause it's a long ride to four.
Stay sane and guilt free, mommies!
Topics to look forward to (in no particular order of importance, timing or priority):
- Picture Day! My child doesn't smile and I'm learning to be OK with that.
- Help! My husband works nights...and weekends!
- When you learn that your mother "never really thought you were a kid person"...like WAY after you had the baby.
- Why Pinterest is slowly eroding my self-worth, but I love it anyway.