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Friday, December 12, 2014

The Struggle is REAL

If you have kids who poop daily, I want to start by congratulating you, and I really hope that you are fully appreciating that reality.  I know, I know... We've all got our own struggles.  But I'm telling you that the poop struggle is REAL.  

So yes, this post is about poop.  That's right...I'm going there.  This one is not for the faint of heart...or weak of stomach.  And if there is any doubt about why or questions about whether I should, let me assure you that I've earned this one.  Because, real talk, when your kid only poops every fourth or fifth day...for like two years...you will find yourself doing just about ANYTHING to make that kid s%^#.  For the last 2.5 years (give or take a regular week here or there), poop has absolutely monopolized the focus in terms of Dallas's well-being.  When did he poop last?  How many days has it been?  How much did he poop?  What was the consistency like?  How much milk did he drink yesterday?  Which day did he have all the cheese?  And you should see me at the pediatrician's office.  Food diaries and poop schedules - it's a maddening system of reconnaissance all aimed at pinpointing just what may be blocking the...action, and whether it's time to call in...well, reinforcements.  I've been assured that it's all "completely normal at this age".  If that's the case, then I'm gonna need a f%^*ing space shuttle to four. 

So, if you have "everyday pooper kids", please read the following through the lens of "things you can feel good about not having to do or worry about".  I'm very happy for you.  That's it...drink in that sarcasm.  If you're like me and know the poop struggle well, hey, misery loves company.  I'm so glad we're in the same camp and can support each other.  If you've got a mix of poopers and non-poopers...you're used to juggling, so I'm sure you'll figure it out!  All of that said, here are a host of reasons to support the poop cause - any and all donations are welcome.  

When your kid poops everyday, you don't have to chase them around the house unwillingly.
The chase game should be fun. And it is...until your kid figures out that it's how you're getting them to poop.  Once they are on to your shenanigans, your poop plot is foiled.  And really, being chased is only a good time when you want to be chased.  Similarly, chasing someone is only fun when you want to chase them.  A text book example of positive correlation, if you will.  Incorrectly invert that and it's a confused, crying mess that gets you no closer to poop.  

When your kid poops everyday, you don't have to invent games that make them jump up and down.
This was one of my "brilliant" ideas.  Oh, and it worked...at first.  We've got one of those colorful letter/number foam mats.  You know which one I'm talking about.  You either have one or know someone who has one.  Anyway, I invented a game that involves calling out letters and numbers and jumping on them.  Like a super fun and interactive alphanumeric quiz game with poop as the grand prize.  Genius, right?  Yeah, it worked for about a week.  That's two poops in constipated time.  He absolutely refuses to play now.  Back to the drawing board.

When your kid poops everyday, you don't have to find inconspicuous ways to sneak poop agents into their food.
At some point, these kids won't eat just anything you ask them to.  How dare they?  I know.  But let me ask you, when's the last time you jumped up and down over a prune? Not recently, methinks.  That said, the mission becomes planting various agents into the food to kickstart the...action.  My latest kick is flax seed.  I've been reading a lot about it...just check my Google search history.  Purchase, grind, sprinkle and store in the fridge.  I'm putting it in everything from pancakes to spaghetti...when I can remember to do it. Which means I forget more than I remember. 

When your kid poops everyday, you don't have to stick your finger in places you'd rather not.
I'm going to keep this as clean as I possibly can, while clearing up any misconceptions. Suppositories are as unpleasant for the giver as they are for the recipient.  Some might argue worse.  No one, and I mean NO ONE, should have to get to know THAT area on another person THAT intimately.  Needless to say, we do what we must to get results.  It's not the first gross thing I've "gotten" to do, and it won't be the last.

When your kid poops everyday, you don't have to ask every single person who's come into contact with them that day if they pooped.  
I'm probably on some list of annoying daycare parents.  Like, if there's a list of names and photos (think "Wanted" poster...), I'm sure to be on it.  The number of teachers that have had to endure my poop interrogations is shameful.  "Did Dallas poop today?"  "Are you sure, because I don't see it on the sheet...?"  "Can we scale back his milk and cheese today?"... And the best one, "It's been [insert ridiculous number of days] days...Can you please call me if he poops?  Thanks..."  Thankfully, they are always happy to oblige.  When I get that call, it's a celebration, b#^%*es.  My colleagues are also always happy to know once the poop has landed.  Again, you're all welcome.    

I know this all won't last forever.  So much of this crazy stuff with toddlers is mental.  Them trying to wield whatever tiny bits of power they can while making you criminally insane in the process.  I try to remember that I am actually really lucky to have a healthy kid who just doesn't want to push it out.  We'll survive this the same way we got through (what I perceived at the time to be) his infant burping crisis,  the enterovirus incident and the ongoing saga of the 5th percentile for weight.  One distant poop at a time.

Stay sane and regular!

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